27 February 2020 Part 1

First of all, i would like to say ' Happy New Year 2020, Everyone ! '
It would be my first post in 2020, so here will be..

February, second month of the year.
on 27 Feb, I'll never forget this date in my life.

February is a month that i was unbelievable that i got 2 marks on my test pack.
not even 1 test pack, but 2.

I was speechless yess that I am going to be a mother.
Someone reckless like me will be going to be a mother. Wow..
Someone careless like me will be going to be a mother.
Someone childish like me will be going to be a mother. Really?
I was so.... still.. unbelievable until i cant tell everyone.
I just told my mom and sister.
I just can't be like everyone that so happy until they post it to social media. I just can't.
I don't know why, i also can't tell my best friend or office mate. can not.
I was still really unbelievable.

After I got the result from test pack, i directly looking for an obgyn.
then a week later i visited the obgyn.
the result was ambiguous either i had to happy or not.
from the USG Check, the size of my baby was not match with the age of my pregnancy.
my pregnancy supposed to be 5 week back then and the baby size was just the age of 2 weeks.
the doctor then gave me supplement and medicine, He asked me to be back after 2 weeks to check again.
told me to don't be stressed and avoid any particular foods.

since I visited the doctor
I tried to eat regularly and healthy, since my eating routines are so unbalance.
I tried to walk slowly ( i don't know why, just my feeling to do it )
Then i tried to calm myself. even though i kept thinking of it, i was googling everything
I was predicting what's happening with my pregnancy.
It was always on my mind every time and every night before sleep.
My mood were really worse. I just hate everyone, i was angry easily.
I still on my track in office, since i did not tell everyone about my pregnancy.

then i took my leave on 27 February, Thursday.
on that day, I got stomachache in the morning.
the stomachache felt like the ache before you got period.
then..
in the afternoon, when i was staying at my mom's house. I was bleeding.
still, i was no idea and got the back feeling of it.
I called my husband then we directly go to hospital.
my husband home soonest from office after i told him the news. ( I love you dear )

So, the result when we check to the doctor.
that my baby is stop growing.
OMG! i will not forget that day because it was really hurt when the doctor check on you using their tools.
could not describe it more.
and what's more hurting me is i got cramp and when i check it to the toilet, something came out and maybe for easier, you can call it as the fetus / baby which was failed, came out from your body.
Then i was crying out loud in the toilet, even could not show it to my husband.
not because he is careless, but i just can't.
Just like : ' did i just loose my baby? '

still then i don't tell everyone with my condition.
I just mmmmmmmm is it supposed to be tell?
but because of the condition, i need to bedrest a week.
So my boss need to know my condition. ( only manager, asst-manager & 1 of my team, who know about it )
Just can't...