finally the month has passed.

the toughest month..

the month when my dad is passed away.

i am thinking of him more than when he alive..

is really human right?

how was i done right towards him?

still feel unimaginable..

still...

pls..

father - 8.8.25

mau mulai post ini aja rasanya mau nangis.

kok rasanya segitu sayangnya sama papa.

truly a daughter first love is a father ya.

💔

8.8.2025

on this date, he was officially leaving me.

the pillar of our family.

hemm..

i am totally lost

i am totally speechless how fast he is gone.

i dont know if i am already being his good daughter or not

but i feel really a heart broken.

i'm writing this accompanied by eric chou's songs.

that from now on, his songs might remind me for this moment.

when my father is gone to heaven.

crazy..

1 week he was being hospitalized.

1 week we come and go to see him in IMC room

it's started on saturday midnight turn to sunday 2 August at 12.30 am

i got a text from my brother to come home.

and suddenly i feel that my heart beat faster than usual.

i was thinking that : oh no i am not ready.

and after that, everything was so fast..

**

we know who hurt us the most are usually the closest one right?

i thinks that is true.

even i am being hurt from his biological brothers sisters

i cant stand the sorrow until i show my laugh, i think i'm already crazy enough.

i'd like to say i am an empty shell right now.

still grieving 

give me time pls..

actually i dont want to hold all the tears but seems like i need to be strong. i dont know why.

even when i go to vihara, the new house of my father ( ashes house ) i still want to cry a lot.

but i dont know why i still still holding it.

keep saying myself, hey it's okay just be okay.. it's a life..

**

pa, i know i may not be your favorite.

i rarely go to see you 

i did not taking care of you very well.

i am so sorry for not being a good daughter..

but i hope you know that i love you..

thankyou for routinely coming to my house sending me egg n bananas.

ken always remember you the akong who love to give bananas.

i still remember the last time i met you on saturday noon, you were at your friend's house when i passed by.. i was turning back to see you.. i remember how you were smiling to me.. the last smile i saw from you.. 💔 and i remember the last time you call me when i sent you small money. 

how you say thanks to me.. 

so no one will send me a good morning anymore every morning..

**

the time when i have to burn all the things with you, i cried..

when i realized you use and wear almost all the things that i gave to you..

a pair of shoes

the clothes

the wallet

the phone

why.. why.. isn't it too fast for you to go?

you havent pass 70 yet.

you are still too young to be gone.

**

pa.. hmm..

i have a lot to says but i am bad at words.. sucks!

i hope you will be reborn in a better world.

people has a bad & kind side right.

yes i also remember your bad side but i cherish your kind side so much..

pls do pray for your child future pa..

Mom and son

Mom : Dear son, mom love you so much. but someday you may find your loved one then you may left mom and dad. you will have your own family and your time will be for them. ( while i hug cuddly from his little back )

son : but i dont want to be separated with you mom. Kenan love mama.

***

my son is a sensitive sweet little guy. his heart is really soft.

mmm 180 degrees from me.

i am wondering how i can have birth this kind of son. A sweet one.

i can't endure sweetness but except him.

hmmm..

happy mom

 recently i keep thinking that my son deserves a happy mom.

i always tell him to do whatever he loves to do that i will support as long it is in the right path.

i always tell him to try everything so he knows what he loves and not and most importantly that he could experiences it.

so now me as a mom need to be a figure right?

i'd like to (again) having a chinese course.

i'd like to practice again what i left long time ago

i'd like to do what i love for myself. not thinking of anything else.

yes, my son deserves a happy me. ☺

GOD pls your mercy

 I am being a person who is getting more more can not express what i feel.
too bad.

even by words.

hmm..

I hemm

met

mm.

saw

or passed by.

a man who's advertising an insurance on the way to office

so conservatively advertise 

an middle age man

but still fighting by him

just like people who is on demonstration who bring a signboard, yes he is doing that advertisement that way.

with his motorbike by his side.

once in a while i see him in few times..

and just before tonight when i was going back off from office

i again passed by him

he is sitting on the pedestrian walk

everybody might notice how there is a middle age man sitting on the pedestrian walk,  showing off a flat, tiring face with a blank eyes.

oh GOD pls bless him.

***

yesterday's night i went to a food street stall in pluit.

quite full. people come and go to this big stall.

and standing there ( again ) middle age man, selling tissue.

his face show how pathetic and tired he is but still he is standing there, trying to sell.

people passing by in and out ignoring him

i see some people may break for a while for buying his tissue, maybe because of emphatic over than needed the tissue.

me as well was giving him a small amount of money.

trying to be a kind person in the hard world.

GOD pls bless him.

***

some other day, when i went home i ( again ) passing a two beggar.. hmmm

one man and one older lady maybe his mom

what i got shock and keep remembering about it is..

the man' eyes..

the eyes are both bugged (?) emmm how can i describe it well...

everyone who seen my know that the man got disease that affected to his eyes

his eyes like somewhat want or almost being out.
the eye ball somewhat is being out almost 80% from the place

that memory still remind in my mind.

hmmmmmm

GOD pls bless him and his family

***

My mom

pls bless my mom and my dad and my family

i dont know how i feel towards her

she is truly a strong mom 

i hope i could be her child again in the next life but with her healthy body and mind. 

Feeling

 Hayy..

i am currently addicted to Eric Chou's songs..

keep playing inside my head.

next week i will be on duty wish me luck.

Hay there

hope you are well

Hay.. i am happy 

i hope you too!

work out

 today mark 6 days i have already workout and woke up at 6 o clock in the morning.

feeling so proud of myself.

these few days what made me so motivated is, this workout is boosting my mood.

just a little step from my comfort zone.

now what i just bought, a keyboard! wkwkkwkkwkwk

a random me